Just Ask

The Talmud says, “A shy person cannot learn.” The word translated as “shy” doesn’t mean introverted; it means ashamed to ask a question. Children ask questions all day long. Adults often apologize before asking one. We associate questions with being ignorant or being a burden.

Once, when I was in coaching school, a student raised his hand and said, “What if I don’t know what a client should do?” The mentor said, “Just ask the client.” The student looked stunned and uncomfortable. “So what are they paying us for?” he finally said.

This is how our culture thinks. It values answers over questions, certainty over curiosity, commanding over connecting. The irony is that the more we tell people who they are and what they should do, the less we actually know them. We’re no longer relating to human beings, but to our limited ideas about them.

Questions aren’t weak. In fact, the good ones are often more powerful than answers. Skillful questions help us access deeper intuitions. They direct our attention toward sources of freedom. And they hold us accountable. “Here’s what you need to do” invites resistance. “What will you do?” invites responsibility.

This is how the Buddha taught. He wasn’t interested in giving students answers about the ultimate nature of reality. He understood that the quality of our lives depends less on how much we know than on the quality of the questions directing our attention.

When I teach meditation, I often ask students, “What kind of breathing would feel good right now?” Then I encourage them to wait for their bodies to answer. At first they overthink it: “How do I know what ‘feels good’ means?” But before long they’re amazed to discover their bodies settling into a genuinely pleasurable way of breathing.

The Buddha taught that questions, like all intentions, are a form of karma. They shape the direction of our minds and our destinies. So don’t be shy. Our attention follows our questions, and our lives follow our attention.

As always, if you’d like to be held through your own process, contact me and we’ll set up a free coaching call.

Painting by Leslie Fehler