When I was younger, I used to be at the center of a lot of craziness. I’d find myself stranded on the side of the road in Morocco or dating someone who turned out to be a criminal. The funny thing was, I never thought of myself as the crazy person in these scenarios. Drama just keeps happening to me, I thought. It took me years to realize: Oh right, it’s me. I’m the drama.
Life can feel chaotic, and in a way it is. Things are constantly changing, impermanent, unreliable. But chaos doesn’t just exist — it’s something we actively cling to. Sometimes we’re addicted to the spice chaos brings. Sometimes we hate the chaos, but are still attached to it through our identities of Caretaker or Peacemaker. Sometimes we cling to chaos to feel needed or because we’re looking to be validated. I knew a woman who stayed with an extremely undependable man for years because she was waiting for him to admit he was wrong.
Bob Dylan said, “Chaos is a friend of mine,” and in a way it’s true. Chaos supports us in not having to feel deeper, more difficult emotions, such as sadness, jealousy, or anger. When life is hectic, there’s no time to sit with deeper pain. But chaos isn’t actually a good friend, and he’ll waste your precious time as you exchange life for trying to figure out how to land broken airplanes you’d be better off parachuting from.
Here’s the thing, though: the antidote to chaos isn’t order. You can live by a calendar or cut unstable people out of your life, but beneath it all, chaos may still reign. The antidote to chaos is curiosity and compassion. Can you love yourself as a person who is still sometimes drawn to what is unhealthy? If you can’t, chaos will always find a way back in through the guise of other people. But if you can love yourself as a person in progress, a person who struggles sometimes, chaos will eventually have move on to someone else who’s up for the drama.