Don't Start None, Won't Be None

My friend is a huge Elvis Costello fan. One weekend, he listened to Elvis's entire discography, from the raw, punky ’70s records to the later polished, orchestral stuff.

My friend came away with one conclusion: all Elvis's songs are basically the same complaint about women. “It starts with him griping about his girlfriends," my friend said, "and ends with him ranting about his daughters.”

People struggle with the idea of reincarnation, but you don’t have to look across lifetimes to see how our experience is mostly shaped by repetition: the same disappointments, resentments, and conflicts. No matter how old we get or where we go, we find ourselves living the same arguments.

When I was younger, I was surprised by how much conflict surrounded me. I’d think, “Why am I attracting so much drama? I’m a peaceful person.” It wasn’t until I started doing long meditation retreats that I saw I’m not, in fact, a peaceful person. I can spend hours in my own head arguing with imaginary opponents, defending myself from imaginary criticisms, performing for imaginary audiences.

Over time, I’ve grown disillusioned with what’s often called “peace work,” which can often amount to imposing your idea of peace on others and then feeling hurt when they resist. But peace only works when we become more peaceful. That is, when we notice our own craving for conflict and lose interest in reaching for the next argument.

A grade school teacher of mine used to say, “Don’t start none, won’t be none.” In other words, as you become less invested in being right, scoring points, or (God forbid) arguing with strangers on the Internet, you start to notice a lot less drama around you too.

Conflict is part of life, but only a part. There’s also love, empathy, and something rarer: real peace. Not the fake act of swallowing your anger, but the wisdom that tells you not to put it in your mouth in the first place.