Just Ask

There’s a Persian expression, kolah gozashtan, which means to play a trick on someone, but it literally means to “put a hat on” them. The idiom probably comes from the fact that, when something’s on your head, you can’t see it.

A lot of our emotions trick us in this way. Anger, for example, may show us clearly where others are wrong, but it hides from us the stress it puts on our own bodies and the often stupid things it asks us to do. Self-pity may show us clearly where life is hard, but it hides from us the way we often refuse to believe in ourselves.

To get the hat off your head, it won’t do to just think about your emotions or analyze them — that’s another, intellectual hat you’re putting on. You have to be able to *see* your emotions as they arise, in real time, to create a sense of duality with them, and to start questioning them, “face to face” as it were.

A lot of people think that questioning emotions sounds silly until they actually try it. Then, they’re surprised to find (a) that these parts of themselves really do respond with answers and (b) that what their emotions are trying to accomplish is different than what they originally thought. Anger might be trying to cover up deeper sadness. Self-pity might be trying to cover up deeper resentments. But it’s no use guessing. You have to ask.

Years ago, I coached a man who was burned out from working three jobs. He told me that he had to work so much in order to win back the respect of his son, who hadn’t wanted a relationship with his father in six years. I asked the man whether he’d actually asked his son if money or respect was the problem. It turned out the problem was that the father had never asked his son anything about what his son felt or needed.

That’s how we often treat ourselves. We have all kinds of ideas about what we’re feeling and needing, but the biggest issue is that we’re afraid to just ask, afraid to be in the vulnerable place of hearing something we don’t already know. But that’s the only place where wisdom ever speaks.