Life Is Changed By Listening More Than Speaking

Ajaan Fuang said that we have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we talk. That’s not just a statement about being polite; it’s also a statement about power.

Society teaches us that influence comes from shouting in all caps, but our ability to change other people’s lives — as well as our own — really starts with becoming quiet enough to listen for possibilities we don’t normally notice.

In the coaching tradition I practice in, it’s said that there are three levels of listening. The first is listening to yourself, which has uses, but can also result in a lot of self-absorption and worrying only about what you’re going to say next. That’s basically the level society is on most of the time.

The second is listening to others, which is a kind thing to do, but taken to an extreme, can result in simply holding space for others to reinforce their prejudices.

The third is listening for transformation, which means listening for possibilities of power, wisdom, and self-expression in the other person. To listen that way — even without saying a word — is a gift more precious than gold.

The Buddha said the future is already here, at least, in seed-form. Our thoughts, words, and deeds in the present show us where our lives are heading. Mostly, these are a mixed bag.

But as we begin to “tune in” (his metaphor) to the potentials that have power to take us somewhere good, we are free to not repeat our conditioning.

You might think a thousand thoughts of self-hatred or doubt before noon, but if you’re also able to find seeds of love, compassion, appreciation, and water these with your awareness, the arc of your life will slowly bend in that direction.

So practice. The next time you’re talking to someone, instead of interjecting advice or your own opinion, focus on seeing the best in that person, and offering just a few words. Notice how that feels.

And then do the same for yourself. With care and intention, tall oaks come from tiny acorns.

Laura Moriarty, "Deep Listening" (2022)