Love And Conflict Are Not Opposites

Thoughts are like children. In a cramped space, like a tiny New York apartment, they can sometimes seem like demons sent to torment us. But give them room, like a country hillside, and they seem harmless, even sweet. What makes our thoughts painful is not that they are unruly or outside our control, but that we lack inner spaciousness. This is why we meditate: not to attempt mind-control, but to cultivate more space within.

Recently, a client said, “How am I supposed to live with my partner when she never apologizes? Either I have to pretend I’m fine with that, or we have to break up.” “Wow,” I said, “those are pretty extreme options. You know, there's also The Ancient Art of Eye-Rolling. Have you tried that with her?” He laughed. I could tell he got it: his partner’s behavior wasn’t the problem. The lack of humor and space in their relationship was.

People think relationships will work only if they can get the other person to change. Not only is that impossible, it misses the point. Relationships are fulfilling not when the other person changes, but when you can be the fullest version of yourself in them. Becoming more fully yourself may create conflict, but conflict isn't what makes relationships turn bitter. Keeping yourself small is. And no relationship is worth that.

If you listen to 21st-century pop music, it’s all about disappointment in love. If you listen to 20th-century pop music, it’s all about perfect love. Both tropes are bullshit. Love is not a dream come true. But also, everyone you’ve dated is not a narcissistic traitor. That story just makes it easier to avoid the conflicts you need to risk in order to be who you are and take up more space within a relationship. Or leave with love, which is fine too.

Spaciousness, spaciousness, spaciousness. Notice when your mind is cramped with resentments and stories, and vow NOT to have conflicts from that place. Take a walk. Take a breath. Create enough inner space that you can fully roll your eyes, fully be yourself, and fully stay in love.

Ernest Biéler, "Plot 8"