Love Is Not An Argument

The Buddha was asked how he crossed the flood of suffering. He replied: “Not by pushing forward, not by standing still. For when I pushed forward, the current spun me around. But when I stood still, I sank.”

It’s a good metaphor for spiritual practice. Trying to force awakening just makes you more deluded. But if you abandon your practice completely, you sink into old patterns of misery. So you have to practice the art of allowing: gently nurturing the causes of insight and trusting that they will bloom in time.

It’s also a good metaphor for relationships. Relationships take work. But when you’re leaning too far forward in them, trying to change or fix others, you get spun around and miss the point of why we have relationships in the first place: to support each other’s separate journeys.

We’re so anxious to change the way others think. So much of our culture is based on celebrating our over-developed critical faculties. But what exactly is the point of all this critique? What does it do for the one critiquing? Too often, our intention in jumping into arguments (and getting spun around) is totally unclear.

You actually can’t change the way others think. Thoughts are just leaves on a tree with much deeper roots. You can slash away at other people‘s leaves with well-crafted arguments, but new leaves will just grow back. What’s the point? And in the meantime, you may lose touch with other people’s humanity, to say nothing of your own.

So remember: love is not an argument. Notice when you’re leaning too far forward in your interactions. Hang back a bit. Let people have their views. In the end, your true impact on the world is not a reason, but a quality of heart.

Caravaggio, "Narcissus" (1597–1599)