Love Is Not An Argument

You may know the story of Orpheus, who led his beloved Eurydice out of the underworld, only to lose her when he looked back to check if she was still there. When I first read that story as a child, I thought: Why did you do that, Orpheus? Why look back? Now that I’m older, I know why. We all look back. None of us moves through life without losing faith at times. But if we’re wise, we learn why we lost faith and how to get it back.

We don’t lose faith in life because pain and loss happen; those are guaranteed. We lose faith because our hearts get too tangled up in arguments. We start calculating the odds: that she’s still there, that our plans will work out, that everything will be okay. But love is not an argument. Love is a connection that brings ease and steadiness, even without proof.

In her work with couples, the psychologist Sue Johnson found that relationships don’t decay because of the issues people fight about. Those tend to be very solvable. Couples lose each other because they lose emotional safety and secure attachment. When they no longer feel the other is truly there for them, problem-solving breaks down. It returns only when the bond feels safe and dependable again.

Meditation serves a similar purpose, except the relationship is with yourself. On some level, you already know what to do to be happy. Yet your body doesn’t believe it, because your body doesn’t feel the steady safety of your own attention. But if you simply focus on your breath and try to make it more comfortable, you signal to your body that you’re not going anywhere. In response, it begins to open, and your natural clarity starts to return.

Spend some time simply being here, just a body, breathing. The stillness may feel unsettling at first. Stay anyway. Let the space grow more easeful, more solid. Let yourself go deeper then. Trust the process. And remember: you know now not to look back.

Edward Poynter, Orpheus and Eurydice (1862)