People Change When They're Forced To

My teacher says, “It only takes one moment of insight for the heart to let go. Anything more than a moment is too much.”

Our tendency is to try to accelerate our growth by overthinking. So we listen to hours of podcasts in the hopes that listening will make us choose better partners. Or we talk endlessly to friends about our low self-esteem in the hopes that they’ll say something to make us think we’re worthy. But it doesn’t work that way. You can’t think your way out of suffering.

People change when they’re forced to. Sometimes that force is external, such as when the money’s gone or a partner leaves. Sometimes the force is internal, when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change. But an inner shift is not something you can think into existence.

The ego loves nothing more than the words, “This will be the last time!” because it knows that passionate language, a guilty conscience, or even anxiety and self-hatred can be unconscious strategies for keeping things exactly the same, for soothing ourselves back into our comfort zones, miserable though they may be.

So you have to be humble and realize the powerlessness of your thinking mind when it comes to letting go. You also have to change your relationship to discomfort. Stability, security, luxury, reassurance — these aren’t the most important things in life. The real truth is: you’re going to have to feel some of your pain in order to let go of it, just as a hand touching a burning stove lets go intuitively, without thought.

The story goes that Ajaan Suwat’s students once built him a beautiful meditation pavilion overlooking the Pacific Ocean. Ajaan Suwat took one look at it and said, “This is a terrible place to meditate. Who’s going to learn about their suffering here?”

You have to learn to see life that way. Happiness doesn’t come from the oceanside view or any other dream come true. Happiness comes from waking up.