Validation Won't Heal Us

One of my insecurities is feeling sometimes like I don’t have enough style. As a musician, for example, I can be confident in the content of what I write and play, yet still feel something’s missing: a sound, a vibe, a different cut.

I know where this wound comes from. I was once a scholarship kid at a wealthy private school, where I got bullied for my shabby clothes, which my grandmother bought second-hand on Orchard St.. In sixth grade, I tried to do something daring: I bought a pair of beaded Indian moccasins with my own money. But they weren’t cool or meant for daily use, and one day on the bus I got teased for having bloody feet too.

I recently told this story to someone I don’t know very well. It made her agitated, and at some point she said, impatiently, “C’mon, I think you have LOTS of style, Paul.” Her compliment didn’t make me feel good. Rather, it made me reflect that what heals our wounds is not validation, but rather, true compassion, which comes when someone is willing to sit patiently with our pain, not be in a hurry to fix it, and maintain connection throughout.

The other day, I read a conversation a psychologist had with ChatGPT about what it does when it offers people “AI therapy.” ChatGPT admitted it doesn’t empathize with humans at all; it just reassures them they’re okay. More chillingly, ChatGPT also observed that the therapy it provides people probably just makes them more defensive, avoidant, and incapable of healthy relationships.

We’re going the wrong way. We think we need someone or something to agree with us, but that’s the last thing we need. We need connection — above all, with ourselves. We need to speak to ourselves with consistency, presence, and care, reminding ourselves that, no matter how difficult things get, we will not abandon ourselves or rush past what we feel.

You may think it’s crazy to talk to yourself. I think it’s crazy not to. Imagine turning off your inner voice and drifting in a sea of computer-generated compliments. Total insanity.

Boris Eldagsen, "Pseudomnesia: The Electrician" (AI-generated image)