We Suffer From Our Unlived Lives

One commonly-used phrase in healing circles is “holding space for pain.” On the one hand, it’s pretty literal: we all need safe people to be there for us when we’re struggling. On the other hand, this phrase is often weaponized: “You’re not holding space for MY pain!” “Yeah, well you didn’t hold space for MINE!” We often feel we can’t get the compassion we need.

But one reason why it’s sometimes hard to find compassion is that we don’t understand the source of pain. We think pain comes from not getting what we want, and therefore we can only experience compassion if everyone agrees with us or helps us fulfill our wishes. As this often doesn’t happen, we set ourselves up for deep loneliness.

The big pains in life, however, don’t come from not getting what we want, but from clinging. We cling to many things: forms of consumption that are unsustainable, identities that are also unsustainable. Sometimes, clinging manifests as conformity, especially conformity to social systems that are unsustainable and/or harmful to others. When we cling in this way, no amount of external compassion can take away our suffering, which is often just guilt.

Carl Jung coined the term “unlived life”: the call each of us has to live our full potential. If you find yourself continually facing the same sorts of difficulties — unsatisfying work, unloving relationships, serial resentments — it’s important to ask what you’re clinging to. It’s important to ask what your unlived life is trying to tell you.

Coming to terms with the unlived life doesn’t take money or privilege. You don’t need a year off to bike across Europe. It requires being brave enough to see clinging. What are you scared will happen if you let go of some luxury? What are you scared will happen if you let go of some opinions? What are you scared will happen if you let go of some people who don’t share your values? The more honest you get about clinging, the more the tides of compassion will come rushing in from all sides.

Artist Unknown