Don't Argue With Fear

The other day, I saw a flyer that said, “Scan this QR code to find out why you’re undateable.” I’m sure many people took the bait. We’re all vulnerable to the seductive idea that naming our worst fears will allow us to control them. But fear doesn’t want resolution. It wants your vigilance. And when there’s no real threat, it still lures your attention like a moth to a painful flame.

There’s a story about the Buddha: while meditating, he was visited by Mara the Tempter, who tried to shake the Buddha with terrifying visions and self-doubt. But the Buddha didn’t argue or get involved. He simply said, “I see you, Mara,” and Mara vanished.

This is how to work with fear. Don’t engage it. Don’t debate it. Many people think if they come up with enough reasons why they won’t lose their job, relationship, or home, they’ll finally feel safe. But the moment you wrestle with fear, you give it your power.

Instead, treat fear as a mental habit. For years, I’ve woken at 4 a.m. gripped by the vague anxiety that I’ve somehow wasted my life. It still happens. But now, I recognize it as a pattern, not a truth. And when I see it clearly, I actually welcome the chance to practice. I mumble, “Ah, there’s that fear again,” and go back to sleep.

People often ask, “But don’t we have to worry about some things?” To which I respond: Don’t confuse fear with care?

Let me tell you a story:

The other night, I dreamed of my grandmother for the first time in years. Later that day, my cousin reminded me it was her 100th birthday. The subconscious is deeply intelligent: it knows you need to pay rent or send that difficult email. Let it do its work! Your job is simply to notice the panic and refuse to step into its arena.

detail from Michelangelo, "The Last Judgment" (1541)