Everybody Is A Star

What does it mean to feel truly seen? Sometimes I ask my clients, “What would you like me to see in you?” They’re usually baffled by my question. Because as much as we want to feel seen by others, we often don’t know how to see ourselves.

We live in an American Idol-culture where “being seen” is confused with being best. We know what it means to be picked from a crowd, but that kind of recognition is unsustainable. If your significance is based on someone else’s insignificance, you’re always going to be paranoid that someone’s trying to take what you’ve got.

Everybody is a star. The lights in the sky don’t compete or even call attention to themselves. They simply shine, and shining, are beautiful. You aren’t talented because you’re more talented. You aren’t loved because you’re more loved. Those are just ways we dim our lights.

If you look at the stars, you’ll also realize that most of them are no longer there. In the same way, most of what we’re recognized for in this life has nothing to do with us.

Your physical beauty or status are mostly the result of what came about long ago — before your birth, even. A lot of the good you do won’t come to fruition till after you’re dead. Realizing this ought to make you disenchanted with chasing praise and fame.

Focus instead on what you’re doing right now, and see the goodness in it yourself. Practice generosity, for example, and reflect on the good you’ve done. You’ll notice that, after a few moments, your mind resists focusing. Remind yourself that, if it’s so hard for you to see your own goodness, how’s anyone else going to?

We all need to be seen by others too. But we can’t wait for people to give what they don’t want to. We don’t have much time. As the Italian poet said,

Everyone’s alone At the center of the universe Pierced by a ray of sunlight And then suddenly it’s evening.

Painting by Peter Konsterlie