It's A Process Of Subtraction

My student recently went on a silent meditation retreat. As sometimes happens, he came back feeling raw, vulnerable, and disconnected from his partner. At one point, they got into a big fight and he blurted out, “I can't deal with you!” She snapped back, “Some Buddhist you are!” “Yeah?” he said. “You should have seen me before I started meditating!”

We often think wisdom is a straightforward path of gathering insights. We think we’ll read a book or take a class and wisdom will accrue like interest in a savings account. But wisdom isn’t accumulation. It's not a process of collecting ideas about what wise people do. Wisdom begins when we can pause in the midst of difficulty and see the fact of our suffering. Most of the time, we suffer without seeing the fact of it.

Years ago an old friend came to town, and at first we had a challenging time together. For days, I carried around a mental list of resentments. Then, on the fourth day, it hit me: “Wow, I’m really suffering here!” As soon as I could acknowledge the fact of my suffering, there was compassion for myself and the creativity to find solutions.

It sounds obvious. But when we're lost in stories of blame, we don't see that these stories are adding layers to our suffering rather than peeling them back. On the other hand, when we become the observer, we can see what we’re clinging to. As soon as I acknowledged my own suffering with my friend, it was clear what I was holding on to: so many years of wishing she'd be different. Suddenly, I could start to let it all go.

It's a process of subtraction. You don't have to judge yourself for failing to live up to impossible ideals. You don't have to reach for another book, teaching, or standard. Simply notice your stuck-ness, apologize if you should, and cultivate curiosity about what you can let go of. Also, look over your shoulder sometimes. You may not be a saint yet, but you’ve come a long, long way.

Seung-Hwan Oh, "Impermanence"