Knock On The Door

About once a month, I get a noise complaint. I never throw parties, and the only music I make is low-volume and during legal daytime hours. But because we live in a world where people are afraid of direct confrontation, no one ever knocks on my door to introduce themselves and talk about their needs. Instead, they file an anonymous digital complaint, which management passes along to me, and the problem gets kicked down the road.

It’s a good example of how poorly technology addresses human conflict. It’s also a good metaphor for the uselessness of most of our complaining. We’ve become so used to venting that we forget that most complaining exists to help us avoid the scarier task of knocking on some “door.” Instead of setting boundaries with a boss or partner, we complain about being disrespected. Instead of asking someone to dinner, we post about loneliness. Instead of getting involved in local activism, we doomscroll.

There’s that Rumi poem where he says, “You must ask for what you really want. Don’t go back to sleep.” So much of life depends on explicitly asking for what you want. And often, we don’t realize that we're not asking for what we want at all. We’re focused on hating what we don’t want. “I’m so sick of dating apps.” (But I’m not willing to ask someone out in real life.) “People don’t value my art.” (But I’m not willing to share it consistently.)

These days, folks love to trash psychoanalysis in favor of somatic work. But one thing psychoanalysis understood deeply is that our relationship to experience changes when we speak it out loud. We're not just bodies keeping score. We are animals whose brains evolved language, in part, as a way of discharging tension and making desire conscious. It’s not enough just to feel a certain way. You have to say the words.

Don’t go back to sleep. Quiet hatred, bitterness, and resentment are forms of unconsciousness. You don’t have to judge them, but let them lead you back to what you truly desire, to the door you’ve passed every day of your life without recognizing it. Stop now, finally, and knock.