Stop Trying To Kill Your Ego
There’s a passage in the Pali Canon where King Pasenadi and Queen Mallika are having an intimate conversation. King Pasenadi asks Queen Mallika, “Is there anyone you love more than yourself, my queen?” hoping, perhaps, that she’ll say, “Yes, I love you more than I love myself, O king.”
But instead she says, “No, there’s no one dearer to me than myself. How about you?” And King Pasenadi also has to admit that there’s no one dearer to him than himself.
Struck by this exchange, he goes to the Buddha, who says: Queen Mallika was right. You can roam the world and you’ll not find anyone dearer to you than yourself.
But then the Buddha says something very interesting: Since we are all most dear to ourselves, we should never intentionally harm another.
To hold yourself dear isn’t simply to want good things for yourself. It’s to want to be someone you can admire. Each act of cruelty asks us to become someone capable of cruelty. Each betrayal asks us to become someone capable of betrayal. We may get what we wanted, but at the cost of becoming someone we can no longer entirely respect.
In our Western culture, we swing wildly between extremes. First, we hurt those around us. Then we go on spiritual retreats and try to kill our egos. (Poor ego! Why is everyone trying to kill it?)
We confuse ego with superiority. But they’re not the same. Superiority says, “I matter more than you.” A healthy ego says, “I matter, and therefore it matters what kind of person I become.” In this sense, the ego is the backbone of morality.
Please stop trying to kill your ego. Your desire to think well of yourself isn’t the problem. The problem is that you don’t see how deeply it’s bound up with how you treat others. If you did, you’d start each day with this question: “If I truly held myself dear, what conduct would I follow today?”
As always, if you’d like to be held through your process, reach out and we’ll set up a free coaching call.
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