We Owe Each Other A Lot

About a decade ago, I wrote about a trend in pop-psychology toward claiming we don’t owe each other anything: "You don’t owe your friends an explanation." "You don’t owe your parents a relationship." "You don’t owe anybody shit." Taken to its conclusion, I said, this growing advice would erode our values, connections, and society. Well, here we are.

Now, of course, many power dynamics depend on convincing people they owe debts they never really incurred. No, women don’t owe men sex. No, workers don’t owe bosses unpaid labor. No, people don’t owe loyalty to their oppressors.

But owing nothing? Human beings are among the most interdependent species on the planet. Most of us wouldn’t last a day alone in the wilderness. From the food we eat to the energy we use to the knowledge in our heads, we owe each other an awful lot.

Our discomfort with debt is really discomfort with being human. We’re taught to imagine ourselves as individuals who owe nothing, because that keeps our loyalty pointed toward the market instead of each other. The average American carries around $60k in financial debt — that’s normal. But depending on your neighbors is seen as some weird personal failure.

I’ve struggled with financial debt in my life, and I’ve learned that both shame and denial about it come from low self-worth. This is also true of emotional and spiritual debt: always feeling unworthy degrades us, yes, but pretending we owe nothing also cuts us off from healthy connection. True self-worth lives somewhere in the middle, where obligation is real but still carries dignity.

The Buddha said we owe our parents a debt for giving us life. But he also said we repay that debt not through obedience, but by developing our hearts and living well. The goal, then, is not servitude, but gratitude. And it’s not just a courtesy. Our survival as a species depends on it.

Interdependencia & Cooperación / Interdependence & Cooperation (2025) Live painting by various artists