What Else Are You Going To Do?

My friend and I are spending a week at Metta Forest Monastery. I love it here, but the stillness can be confronting. In the absence of distraction, I see how much self-hatred and self-sabotage still are left in my mind.

I was working in the kitchen the other night when they asked me to de-stem a huge bushel of basil. Half of it was fresh, half was rotten, and the tiny leaves were all clumped together. How am I going to sort this all out tonight? I wondered. And what a perfect metaphor for my life: the fragrant and the foul, all tangled up.

My friend came over to help. “Sometimes I think about quitting meditation,” she said. “It’s so hard. But then I ask myself, What else am I going to do with my life? Online shopping?” We both laughed.

It’s true. The happiest people I know aren’t those with the easiest lives, nor those who work the hardest. The happiest are the ones who see clearly that the bits of consumption and drama that the world offers aren’t worth much, so they settle down in the present with whatever needs untangling: frustrations, regrets, confusions.

Whoever you are, you have your own pile of basil to sort through. Maybe it’s finding meaningful work, navigating relationships, or overcoming addiction. You might be tempted to give up, to say to hell with it. But really, what else are you going to do?

It’s said that Ajaan Lee, one of the great meditation masters of the twentieth century, never reached full enlightenment. When someone asked my teacher why, he smiled and said, “Ajaan Lee just had more to work through.”

It isn’t personal, your pile of basil. It’s just more to work through. You finish when you finish. You let go when you let go. And it’s easier when you just accept that.

At least, that’s how I was thinking as the sun set over the hills and a honeyed breeze moved through the air. What about this moment isn’t perfect? And really, what else am I going to do with my life?