You Can't Bully Yourself Into Happiness
When our president was first elected in 2016, I noticed how much of his rhetoric echoed what New Age spirituality had been preaching for decades: “Protect your energy” (build a wall). “Get rid of toxic people” (deport them). “Manifest abundance” (always be winning).
In many ways, he's a perfect mirror of modern self-help, much of which is obsessed with eliminating perceived threats to personal happiness. Cut out challenging people. Dismiss negative thoughts. Refuse to settle for anyone or anything that isn't perfect.
Yes, we need boundaries. But there’s a violence in the idea that happiness comes from eliminating everything that makes us uncomfortable. Taken to its extreme, this becomes the psychology of a bully: trying to force the world to submit to our will rather than learning to live in harmony with what we can’t control.
As without, so within. We also bully ourselves all the time: for being anxious, needy, or afraid. We demand that our minds behave how we want them to. We imagine that there’s one part of us that ought to be in charge, and that all the others should fall into line.
In my coaching practice, I encourage my clients to treat their minds like inner democracies. Not every voice has to have its way, but every voice needs to be heard. Even our inner bullies are often frightened parts of us trying to feel safe. They need our compassion too.
If it’s hard to see your inner bullies, ask, “How am I treating myself right now?” Would you treat someone you love that way? Don’t try to deport the bullies you discover. Get curious about what they’re afraid of. See if you can bring them love and empathy.
Ajaan Lee compared the mind to a digestive tract: just as different organisms must coexist in our intestines, different consciousnesses must coexist in our minds. The secret to peace is finding a way for them to settle down together. You can’t bully yourself into happiness, any more than you can drink poison to cure a stomachache.
As always, if you’d like to be held through your own process, reach out and we’ll set up a free coaching call.
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