Keep The Door Open

In 2019, Asa Seresin coined the term “heteropessimism” to describe the disappointment many people feel about straight relationships, despite continuing to participate in them. I can sympathize. Many of the ways men and women treat each other are horrible.

But it's worth noting that pessimism and disappointment aren’t the same thing. Disappointment can help us clarify what matters, refine our hopes, and keep trying.

Pessimism, on the other hand, is often disappointment plus shame. When we believe that we should have somehow been able to make an experience turn out better than it did, the pain of that belief becomes unbearable, and the mind reaches for pessimism: “It NEVER could have worked.”

I see this in my life as a musician. There's a voice in me that says if I haven’t achieved success, I must have done something wrong, and another that insists the opposite: the system is rigged, don’t bother. They seem opposed, but they’re both protective mechanisms that close me off to possibility.

I once read an interview with Paul Simon in which he said he was grateful to still be getting to do music after all these years. I’d always assumed the gift was recognition. I hadn’t considered that the gift might simply be getting to do the work.

But over time, I’ve seen many talented people stop creating. Sometimes life became too demanding; more often, they grew exhausted by self-criticism. Seeing this, I’ve turned my focus away from whether my songs are liked toward nurturing the conditions that allow ideas to come.

Don't deny your disappointment. Please don't lower your standards. Just keep the door open, as my friend Daniel says. You don't know what will walk through it. Maybe a partner. Maybe a melody. Maybe just more aliveness. Don't discount that last one. After all, the point of life is simply to be alive while you still are.

As always, if you'd like to be held through your own process, contact me and we’ll set up a free coaching call.