Stay In The Lover's Story

Heidi Priebe said, “To love someone long-term is to attend a thousand funerals of the people they used to be.” If you love a person through the years, you’ll love many different people, with different faces, bodies, outlooks, and dreams. That’s how it is.

We often get scared when the people we love change. We think, “This isn’t what I signed up for!” But what did you sign up for exactly? Love makes us grow and grow beyond each other. Even if your roots stay entwined with another person’s, your branches will always reach in different directions. You can cut and run. Or you can start to see that love is change.

There’s one relationship you can’t walk away from, of course. You have to live with yourself, every damn day. When you notice the gray hairs and aches and pains, you might think, “No thanks, that’s not me.” But it is you. It’s you now. Can you love that stranger with curiosity instead of judgment?

The Buddha said that, to meet change joyfully, we need a quality called ardency. Ardency isn’t exactly romantic passion, but it isn't totally different either. Think of a lover choosing flowers for the beloved. The lover doesn’t say, “I’ve done this a million times before, so I’ll just take any bouquet.” No, a lover chooses the best blooms, with attention and care. That’s ardency.

Can you show up to your own life that way? Today, can you choose the best thoughts to think? The kindest words to tell yourself? The most soothing breaths to breathe? Or will you say, “Things didn’t work out, so why should I make an effort now?”

People are starving for connection. The trouble is: they think connection is something you find at a bar or on an app. But all connection comes from connection to change. If you can’t keep showing up for the person you are now, you’ll miss the point of being with others. You’ll think connection is about finding someone who fits your old, dead ideas. You’ll think love comes from demands rather than devotion.

So show up to this day with an open mind. You don’t know what’s going to happen. You might not even know what you need. It doesn’t matter. Just choose the best flowers for this moment. Deep down, this life is held together by consistency and care. As Bowie said: Stay in the lover’s story. If you stay, you won’t be sorry.

Painting by Enea Kelo