Your Needs Don't Need An Enemy
I have a very judgmental side. But I try to remember that being judgmental is a cry for help. Beneath my sophisticated and witty takedowns of others, there’s a scared child saying, “I’m afraid I won’t belong.” “I don’t feel seen.” “What if I lay out the banquet of my life and no one sits at the table?”
The other night, I went to one of those Brooklyn parties where everyone is impossibly good-looking and talented. I heard my judging voice start up: Look at that fake person. Look at that person trying too hard. I wanted to leave. Then another voice in me chimed in: Look at you, always going home early. You can’t hang.
I realized that neither voice was wisdom. The truth was simpler: Being at that party just wasn’t what I needed right then. The host saw me getting up and asked why. I told her I need something different. “Of course,” she said. “Take care of yourself, Paul. We love you.”
In my coaching practice, I’ve learned to see my clients’ judgments as inner protectors. Often, a client will say, “This is so mean. I don’t want to say it out loud.”
“PLEASE say it,” I’ll urge.
When we repress our judgments, we risk repressing the needs beneath them too. I had to listen to that snarky voice in me before I could recognize I needed some time alone. Our judgments often guard extraordinarily tender, deep, and essential parts of ourselves.
But imagine how beautiful life would be if we gave ourselves permission to just take care of ourselves without building a case against anyone else. Do I have to decide you’re selfish in order to say no to you? Do you have to decide your partner is a monster in order to leave them? Do we have to make strangers threatening in order to feel we belong?
Your needs don’t need an enemy. Normalize saying, “That’s not for me right now,” and letting that be enough.
As always, if you’d like to be held through your process, reach out and we’ll set up a free coaching call.
Comments